Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Found in my email tonight... The Differences between North and South....

The difference between the North and the South - clearly explained at last

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has green salads; the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .


In the South :
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper . Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners...

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it. Your kin would get a kick out of it too! To use the ultimate southern term of affaction -- BLESS YOUR HEART !!

You can say ANYTHING about a person as long as you say BLESS THEIR HEART AT THE END OF IT

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It is not Friday, but I needed this story today....

God Loves Drunk People Too!.. God, Bless you, Mike!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God
loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

This year I did not make it to SCYM... but I did find an interesting blog by a Programmed Quaker Minister....

The Cross and Darkness

Our Gospel text begins in darkness. How fitting, since the man they thought was the messiah was murdered as a political insurrectionist only two days earlier. (After all what is all this business about crowns, robes, and the king of the Jews?) On the cross, real, total darkness is revealed. This is unbridled human ego, let loose [oh wait isn't that reality TV show?]. Now I don’t think the cross is about the raw fury of God’s wrath revealed, no matter what we learned growing up, the cross has nothing to do with God’s wrath and has all to do with the climax of human rebellion, and wickedness. The cross is a picture of a suffering God who physically sustained that rebellion. The headline on the underground newspaper the morning after would have read, “Even God can’t clean up this mess.” Because that’s how dark this was. For some, Jesus was a real threat to the mass crowd, his sermons, his acts of justice, his healing, his prayers all challenged the empire way of life. And so he had to be shut down. The political and religious leaders wanted it, and so did the “people” of his day. Jesus was killed while working to liberate people from religious, social and political imperialism.

And so Easter morning begins in darkness.

The timing of all of this is of some importance. In John 19 we are told that Jesus dies on the sixth day, the day of preparation just before the Sabbath. And When Jesus died he said “it is finished.”

What was finished?


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Luckly for me, my cousin sent me the female companion to the Australian piece I posted below... Never bother a woman when she is reading....

Never Interrupt a Woman, when she is reading...

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Dad wanted me to be able to handle guns. He taught me at an early age to respect a gun and to always assume that it is loaded. He loaded his own ,,,

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.